No-Bird 101 – A Survival Guide
It has been a heck of a year, hasn’t it? The Covid virus has cut a swath across the planet, affecting not just peoples’ health, but also their livelihoods, investment portfolios, shopping habits and plans for the future. No, some leaving as early as October, many right after Christmas, and still many more in February and March. We soak up the sunshine in Southern climes, swimming in the ocean and living in our shorts and flip flops, eating and drinking cheap and happy under swaying palms until the nastiness back home fades away into the watery sunrises of the coming spring. That was then of course, and this is now. Thinking of taking off for the winter? Well, in the words of Judge Judy: “That’s Not Gonna Happen”. The only Corona we are going to be experiencing this year is the one we are all trying desperately to avoid.
So, as a bit of a public service, and with tongue in cheek, we are proud to present our first ever “No-Bird Survival Guide”. Essential items for those who may have forgotten what winter is REALLY all about:
Snow Shovel (snŌ-shuvel, n.) – this handy item looks like a regular shovel, except it has a large flat blade, ideal for moving beach sand, for example. Up here, we use it to move the chilly white stuff that falls from the sky every night. The snow shovel is lightweight, which is good, because you often have to use it 4 or 5 times a day.
Furnace (fur-nass, n.) The furnace is the evil alter ego of your familiar a/c unit, which runs all summer. Essential if you don’t want to freeze to death in February. Just set it and forget it. As long as you keep throwing the dough, you are good to go (see also: Gas Bill)
Snow Guy (snŌ-gi, n.) This is the cheery fellow you hire to plow your driveway. As elusive as the wolverine, it’s hard to catch a glimpse of this wily creature, especially after that nor-wester blows through.
Giant Tiger – It might come as a shock, but this awesome little retailer sells more than just kettle chips and canned corn. As an official no-bird, you’re going to need long pants, snow pants, a parka, thick socks, woolly underwear, mitts, scarves, toques and so on. A balaclava will do in a pinch if you forget your mask at home. Despite your best efforts, you will never be warm enough but hey, it’s nice to be helping out the economy, no?
Christmas in Stonebridge – And last but fersure not least, for those of you who have never been around to experience the magic of Stonebridge in December, you’re in for an undeniable treat, especially if we are able to re open our Club House in time for the big holiday. From the thousands of lights that twinkle through the community, to decorating the Beach House tree with mittens and toques for the less fortunate, to our annual Christmas party and caroling night, which despite the absence of many residents in most years, is always sold out and raises a hefty sum for the food bank, there are ample opportunities to showcase the big heart of Stonebridge on full display.
So, no-birds rejoice. We know it’s going to be tough on you, but we’re looking forward to seeing you all out in your driveways on Christmas morning with a cup of cheer and a wave for your neighbours. And don’t forget your snow shovel
As published in the Beach Booster, September 15, 2020.